A Love Worth Fighting For
by a.fanfare.for.elephants
Summary: Yuri and Otabek's relationship is new, but a lot of questions loom at the surface. How long will this last? And who will say "I love you?" first? And how will the relationship cope when one of the boys starts to unravel at the seams? This is a companion fic to my Otayuri blog,
1. Chapter 1

Yuri's Pov

"Beka, where are my chips?" I asked. It was mid morning, and Beka and I were at my apartment in St. Petersburg. We were getting ready to go practice at the rink later, but because it was the weekend, it would be on our own. Yakov liked taking the weekends off, the old lazy geezer. And Beka would be going back home tomorrow to train with his coach for the week.

"I put them in the cupboard above the stove. Just… leave some for me, will you? Sweet and sour chips are my favorite." Beka called from the living room. _Ugh. Who does he think I am? I swear he has no faith in me._ I can't help but feel perturbed by this statement. _Does he think I'm a pig or something?_

"I _know,_ Beka, relax. I'm not a pig like Katsudon, ok? I'll leave some for you." I hear Beka chuckle condescendingly as I grab the bag and sit down. _Hmmph, I'll show him!_

As soon as I open the bag, though, my resolve is weakened. _Shit._ I find myself stuffing my face with the chips. Fuck it all. They're too damn delicious to resist. _Actually, these are my chips…. Why should I be the one resisting them? Dammit, Beka._

I stop controlling myself.

"YURIIII I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D LEAVE SOME FOR ME. SLOW DOWN. Breathe." Beka practically shouts as he enters the kitchen.

"But…. chips… and food…. are _life_ …. buy your own bag after practice." I keep eating until the package is empty. Part of me feels guilty, but… I can't help it. _What's gotten into me? You're such a Katsudon._

Beka stares at me funny. Then, turns away and slinks back into the living room. Great, just great. He probably thinks I'm mad at him. Again.

Sighing, I throw the chip bag into the trash, and grab my gym bag. I left it by the door for convenience. I glance into the living room. Beka is scrolling his phone, his back towards me.

"Ready to go, Beks?" I'm a bit too sarcastic sounding. _Shit._

"Let's go, _kitty."_ He smirks. I hiss. He _knows_ I hate it when he calls me kitty. But he does it when he's really perturbed at me. _SHIT._

He's been using that pet name a lot lately.

Otabek's PoV

Yuri and I have been dating for about four months now. I've been trying to set the tempo slow, because I know he's not used to relationships. Of any kind. I was his first real friend, for fuck's sake.

Dating Yuri is like a crazy storm. It's unpredictable, and his mood swings are even more so. I understand… he's not used to expressing himself. But he shows his affection in other ways besides words. In the way he'll hold my hand when I'm upset, and the way he'll cook me pancakes for breakfast sometimes. It's…. really endearing to see him don an apron, let me tell you.

I've been coming to St. Petersburg to stay with Yuri around every other weekend. Because of Yakov being so strict, Yuri isn't able to leave long enough to come and see me. If I end up staying an extra day or so, my coach doesn't mind so much. It's just easier for me to come here. Staying in his apartment… feels nice. Like keeping house. It makes me want to stay, always.

Today, he's being his feisty self. Although… I've noticed lately, or maybe it's just me… he seems more on edge than normal. Crazy, I know. And yet, I can't for the life of me manage to understand why. And it's causing tension between us, causing me to become overly irritated with him. I hate feeling that way.

We walk in silence to the rink. Waiting there is a lone reporter, looming at the door. I think nothing of it. It's common to see them around here, wanting pictures or comments on recent rumor speculations, things like that. I hear Yuri scoff under his breath. He considers interviews an inconvenience, and I know he's thinking the same thing he always thinks; he's hoping this reporter isn't waiting for him.

But being the Grand Prix gold medalist pretty much guaranteed he was waiting for him. The reporter stood up as we approached.

"Yuri? Yuri Plisetsky?" I nudge him to remind him to be nice.

"Umm, yeah." The reporter lights up, and grabs his pencil and notepad.

"Great! I just have a few questions, is that ok?... Oh!" He looks to me. "You're Otabek Altin! Can I ask you guys a few questions? I hear you're… umm… _together._ " He chuckles. "Sorry if that's not right… at least, that's what my _sources_ tell me, so...hahah…." He itches the back of his head. I can't help but wonder why he's so nervous.

"We're together, that's right." I step in, noticing Yuri's blush stained face. _Adorable._

"Umm, great!" The reporter looks relieved. "Ok, so first off: how long have you guys been… a _thing_?"

He continues to ask us questions, Yuri is scuffing his feet into the dirt. He's bored. Honestly, I don't blame him. I'm starting to get bored, too. _How long is this reporter going to ask questions?_

"Ok, I have one final question. What do you both do with the stuffed toys you received from your fans?"

"I usually keep them and place them on a special shelf I have for them." I say nonchalantly. I look over, and Yuri has a hesitant look on his face. I know he feels embarrassed to admit he doesn't just throw them all away (because that's _exactly_ what all the cool kids do, right?) Smirking, I add "Oh, and Yuri totally sleeps with his." I look over at Yuri, expecting his usual huffy anger and indignant denials. Instead, all I see is shock. I realize in that moment, that I maybe should have kept my mouth shut.


	2. Chapter 2

Ch 2

Yuri's POV

As soon as Beka spills that comment, I am shocked.

"EHHHH? BEKA, DON'T TELL HIM THAT!" I practically scream. Beka and the reporter look at me like I've lost my mind. I realize though, that I've basically just _admitted_ to sleeping with the damn things. _**Fuck.**_

"Ok, so maybe I cuddle up with some of them, ok? They… get lonely sometimes. But that doesn't mean I'm a baby or anything…." I feel tears pricking at my eyes. Oh no. Not _this_ again. Beka doesn't know, because there's no way in hell I'd admit this out loud, but I've been crying a lot lately… it started about a month ago. It's a good thing that he doesn't visit except every other weekend because it's easy to pretend that everything is fine for a couple of days. But lately, I've felt anything but normal. And now, now I feel like I'm beginning to unravel. The worst part is, I don't even know why. Nothing's changed… the only thing that's changed is me. _It's all really my own fault, isn't it? Dammit, Yuri, why can't you keep yourself together? Why do you have to be so weak?_

Beka is looking at me like I have two heads. I know it's because my face is producing tears, which isn't a normal response for me. _Shit._ He must think I'm an over-emotional crybaby right now. All I want is for him to let it go, to pretend he doesn't see anything. I need him to ignore my failures. Instead, his look softens. _Dammit, Beka. I don't want your God damned pity!_

I hate him. What is he doing, spilling my private secrets? And having the _NERVE_ to _LOOK_ at me that way? I can't stand it. It's true that a lot of my anger stems from other, unchecked emotions that merely pour themselves through me as anger. This time, however, I am _furious_. Plain, unaltered, unmeasured _FURY_ is coursing through my veins, and I don't know what to do about it. Before I am aware of my surroundings again, I am stomping into the rink and throwing my bag in the locker room. I lace up my skates in a record time, slink onto the ice, and settle into the only place I can truly release some of this rage. As I skate, I feel myself tearing up some more. _SHIT._

I am aware of another presence entering the rink. I know it's Otabek. _Shit._ I quickly wipe my eyes, and feel my body tense up. _What if he saw me cry? What if he thinks I'm a failure? An overdramatic crybaby? Dammit, I can't let him see what a weakling I'm turning out to be…. DAMMIT BEKA, DON'T COME NEAR ME RIGHT NOW, I CAN'T HANDLE IT…._

I'm coming undone. I'm not SUPPOSED to come undone, though. I am the Ice Tiger of Russia, known for my fierce and nonchalant attitude, my carefree spirit. Not my ability to cry; I am not a katsudon.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Yuri….?" He asks, tentatively, softly. I _hate_ when he uses that tone with me. The tone of a person trying to soothe an injured animal, or a weak piglet. I can NOT let him see my weakness. I quickly sniffle my tears, and allow the fury to take complete control once again.

"Beka, I. Am. _FINE_." I spit out. I don't dare to look at him yet, lest I start crying again. I don't know if he sees me getting super emotional, but in case he hasn't I can't allow him to start.

"Actually, you know what?" I turn around to face him, with a predatory glare in my eyes. The tears are quelled, thankfully, and in place is that fury that everyone has grown to expect of me. Only, in a larger quantity than is normal. He'll know I'm upset, but at least he won't know _how_ upset I truly am. If that makes any sense… it probably doesn't. I don't make much sense right now, even to myself.

"I am NOT FINE. Beka, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! Why do you run your mouth like that? I am not a child, and I DO NOT SLEEP WITH MY STUFFIES ALL THE TIME." I know he didn't mean to upset me, it was just a comment, I am taking this way out of proportion. But right now, I can't help it. I am so angry, I don't care how foolish I sound. I am angry at him, but also angry at myself. _Shit, shitshitshitSHIT._ Otabek stares at me, in shock. We fight, yes, but we normally don't fight like _this._ He's still annoyed with me, I can tell. His shocked expression slowly conforms into a menacing sneer.

"Well, at least I don't talk when I chew. Or forget to set the alarm, causing me to almost miss my flight every other trip…."

"Oh, yeah? Well AT LEAST I WIN GOLD MEDALS." I know it was petty, it was stupid, as soon as I say that I clamp my hand over my mouth, and then scowl at myself. _Shit, what the fuck…._ Before I can register Otabek's reaction, I am skating off the ice and throwing off my skates as quickly as possible. I grab my bag and run as fast as I can towards my apartment, not bothering to look back to see if he has followed me. I know he probably hasn't. Why would he have? That was a stupid low thing for me to say. Even for _me_.

As I run through the door, I kick off my shoes and run into the bathroom, turning the water as hot as it will go. Not bothering to check the temp, I jump inside and let the water fall down. I stare down at my hands, which are trembling. My whole body is trembling, furious, loathing. I start pounding my hands against my stomach, my legs, my arms… it doesn't feel like pain. It feels like vindication. I start pounding against the wall, letting the rage clear out of me in the forms of punches, screams and sobs. I am no longer holding back. After what seems like hours, I am sitting here, crouching in the shower. The water is cascading over my head, and my mind is clear from all the anger. All I feel now is exhaustion and emptiness. I don't think, in all my life, I've ever felt more alone than I do now. More alone, and regretful.

 _What the fuck did I just do?_ I sigh. _It won't be long now. It won't be long now until Beka says goodbye….._

I know I messed up today.

We both said things… but… I love him, you know? I… I haven't told him yet… But I don't want to live without him. And… sometimes I get scared he'll want to leave me and that causes me to say things I don't actually mean.

 _I don't feel I deserve him._

 _So, I push him away over some stupid comment and expect him to leave. Of course he stays when it's easy. Everyone does that. But if he's going to leave me when times get tough, I feel as though I should at least control when he walks away by making myself insufferable. It's safer than admitting the truth and hearing rejection. Sure, he may be into me now. But….. for how long?_


	3. Chapter 3

Otabek PoV

"Oh, yeah? Well AT LEAST I WIN GOLD MEDALS."

Stunned, I watch Yuri skate off the ice and run into the locker room. I think for a moment I should go after him, but decide against it. _What the mother of fuck was that?_

Sure, Yuri and I get into fights over stupid things, but it usually doesn't get that heated. And was it my imagination, or was Yuri… _crying_ earlier? Over a comment about his plushies? _He doesn't have to get so embarrassed over it, I think it's absolutely endearing. What the fuck. He didn't have to go rubbing his stupid medal in my face, though. What an idiot._

I take deep breaths. Getting angry at him isn't going to solve anything. But I decide that we both need some time to cool off, therefore, I start to skate. As I skate, I wonder all sorts of things. What's gotten into Yuri lately? Why is he so mad all the time? Why does he care about the plushies so much? I mean, he _does_ sleep with them, so I didn't lie. If he didn't want himself embarrassed…. No, I can't go there. Besides, he's too adorable when he's sleeping with them. His favorite is the one I got him on our one month anniversary. It's a cute little tiger with a bigger head than the rest of his body. He uses the head as a pillow sometimes. I can't explain it though… something about our relationship is just _off._ And I can't pinpoint what it is….

I reach the apartment after a few hours of cooling down. After staring down at my watch, I see that I have a few hours til I have to leave to go to a DJ gig. What's great about St. Petersburg is that I found myself easily obtaining an on-call position for when I'm up here to DJ at a local club. Not a bad gig, if I do say so myself. Yuri usually comes with me, and it's so cute when I'm doing my thing and he's dancing… but in a "cool" way, he says. There's absolutely NOTHING cool about the way he dances. I don't let him know, though, because it's just too adorable.

Walking in the apartment, it's silent. And laced with an air of worn out tension. I reluctantly set my bag down in the kitchen, and notice the faint sound of the television whirring in the room next door.

I see Yuri curled up on the couch, staring at the tv with his arms curled around his knees. When he sees me in the doorway, he scowls and then pretends to ignore me. _Ouch._

I know that, despite neither one of us wanting to, we have to talk about what happened earlier. Part of me thinks I should apologize first. But then I remember how he tossed his medal in my face…. And I no longer want to apologize. I reluctantly sit on the opposite end of the couch, on the edge of the seat. The air is tense. I forget how to speak for a moment, and honestly I'm not even sure what to say.

"Yuri, I have a DJ gig tonight….. Want to come with me?"

It's the first thing that popped in my mind. I'm hoping we can put… whatever happened earlier behind us.

"No, I'm not really in the mood for a party tonight." Yuri speaks in a low and annoyed tone, still stubbornly refusing to look at me.

"….. is this about the stuffed animals comment? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY still salty about that?" I don't mean to, but my voice starts rising. I am getting pissed off. _He's acting like a little child, geesh._

Finally, Yuri looks at me. His glare is piercing into my eyes, but at least the reaction is something.

"Otabek, you _embarrassed_ me. And for your information, this is about a lot more than some lame ass comment." He goes back to staring at the tv.

Ouch. He _must_ be pissed if he's resorting to calling me Otabek… I sigh, and clutch my face in my hands. Once again, I have to remind myself that getting angry won't solve anything.

"Look." I finally say, in as controlled a manner as I can. "I'm sorry about the comment. It was thoughtless of me. You don't have to go with me tonight, but I hate fighting like this over something so petty. I don't want to leave St. Petersburg tomorrow still fighting with you."

Yuri looks at me and nods, but doesn't say a word. After a minute, I sigh and get up. If he doesn't want to acknowledge what I said, he doesn't have to.

 _But Yuri, I wish you would.._


	4. Chapter 4

Yuri's PoV

After what seems like hours, I finally turn off the shower and get dressed. I feel like such a zombie, and my limbs are heavy. _Fuck._ I really hope this is a temporary thing… I do not want this to majorly affect my skating...

After drying off and putting on some comfy clothes, I make my way to the living room. I expected Otabek to be back by now. I guess he's really mad at me. _Damn it._ The tears are starting to come back again, and I punch my arm to keep them from coming out. If he came back, I did not need him seeing me looking like such a mess. I plop myself on the couch and decide that I need to distract myself for a while. Maybe I can trick myself into feeling better?

There's nothing good on tv. Just some lame ass baby cartoons. _At least this one has a tiger in it._ After a while, I hear the door open. _Finally._ It's about time Beka got back. I want to open up to him and just air out this whole stupid fight, but the truth is I'm still numb and not sure how to feel. Translation? I'm getting pissed.

I don't want him to notice that I've been crying. Getting a few tears in my eyes is one thing- he might find it suspicious, like he did earlier, but will leave it at that. But if he knew I was full on _sobbing?_ He'd think I was some damn weak freak who couldn't keep my emotions in check. _I mean, even worse than before. I'd be even less stable than freaking Katsudon._ Hell, he'd probably reevaluate our entire relationship and realize it's not strong enough to last through another god damned fight, and will decide, once and for all, to leave.

He enters the doorway. I look at him and scowl, determined to ignore him for the most part. _Besides, he started this god damned mess by making fun of me. Stupid idiot._

I see him sitting on the opposite end of the couch from the corner of my eye, which is still trained on the screen. After what seems like a long freaking time, he speaks.

"Yuri, I have a DJ gig tonight….. Want to come with me?"

 _What? Does he honestly think, after what just went down, I am going to want to PARTY with him tonight? ARE YOU SERIOUS BEKA?_

"No, I'm not in a party mood tonight." I continue to stare at the tv stubbornly. _I hope he doesn't realize how fucking lame this cartoon is…._

"….. is this about the stuffed animals comment? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY still salty about that?" He is fucking RAISING his VOICE at me. Like _I'm_ the guilty one here. Shit. I'm getting really pissed. At least it's better than crying, though, so I roll with it. I give Otabek a menacing glare.

"Otabek, you _embarrassed_ me. And for your information, this is about a lot more than some lame ass comment." I spin my glare back to the tv, not willing to give him the satisfaction of watching me crack. No way in hell was I going to let him gain the upper hand in this. Otabek sighs.

"Look. I'm sorry about the comment. It was thoughtless of me. You don't have to go with me tonight, but I hate fighting like this over something so petty. I don't want to leave St. Petersburg tomorrow still fighting with you."

 _Well, that's a start._ I look at him and nod, my anger starting to dissipate. I can feel the tears starting to crawl back under my skin. _SHIT._ I quickly look away, not trusting my voice right now. If i had, I probably would have apologized, maybe tried to reconcile somehow…. But it's too late as I notice Beka walking out of the room. Damn it. I know he probably thinks I'm being childish. I'll admit, sometimes I do act like that. But… it's a coping mechanism, or whatever, I don't know. That doesn't make me a child, though, ok? And I'd rather him think I was a pouty brat than a sobbing broken mess. I sink into my knees a bit further, allowing the tears to flow a little bit again. I can no longer hold them back. _What is wrong with me?_

I knew I was right. As hard as this day had been, these emotions weren't all about his stupid comment. What pissed me off the most, though, was I wasn't sure where this was all coming from. I didn't know why my eyes had become fucking faucets all of a sudden, or why I was even moodier than normal. Not to mention fucking sensitive. So, it was easier to pretend that this whole fight today was about the comment itself, and not an indicator of some larger problem. Of course, the comment sucked. I hate when Otabek says shit like that. But I don't normally let it get to me, and I certainly don't lash out at him as much as I did today. _He's going to suspect something is wrong. And leave._ Which…. When thinking about it, it makes sense. I know I don't deserve him. And with my newfound weaknesses, I know he won't want to stay with me when he finds out. Right now, I have no choice but to hide it from him. It's getting worse though, and harder to control, even with Beka's limited visitations. Right now I am so thankful he still lives in Kazakhstan, and visits only every other weekend or so. I don't know what I'd do if, god forbid, we both lived here in St. Petersburg.

I woke up later, having discovered that I had fallen asleep. My favorite blanket was over me, and my favorite tiger plushie is sitting on the side table, with a note wrapped in it's paw. It read: Yuri, I've gone to my DJ gig. I'll be back later tonight. I'm sorry, again, for everything. Please don't be mad at me anymore. Love, Beka.

 _Beka….._ The tears start to pour again. What did I ever do in my life to deserve a boyfriend like him? I sat up and scrolled through my phone, which had somehow ended up underneath the pillow I was sleeping on.

 _Hey Beka…. how's your DJ gig going? I…. really miss you._ I hit send before I could regret it. _Great, now you sound like an idiot, Yuri. Do you really think he's not still mad, at least a little?_ I couldn't blame him if he was. I was a terrible person, a horrible boyfriend, and a plain mess. Lost in my thoughts, I almost didn't hear the ping of my phone. I unlocked it and saw a message from Beka.

 _It's going good…. I miss you too. I really wish you were here with me. It's not the same…_ The tears were really starting to fall now. How dumb was I, to let a good night like this go to waste. I'd give anything to be with Beka right now….

 _I know….. I'm sorry for today. I wish I had gone…._

I feel so lonely without you, Beka. Please come back home….

 _I'll be home in an hour, Yuri. And… next time, ok? Please take care until I get back. I'll… I'll pick you up some more chips._ I grabbed the plushie that Beka gave me and held it tight to my chest as more tears fell. I began to sob violently, grieving over…. Something. I don't know what exactly, but this ache in my chest doesn't seem to disappear. I'm afraid. Afraid that all of this will disappear, that it's only a matter of time until he sees the me that I see… the me that isn't worth all… of this. The me that lashes out in anger, the me that feels safest alone. I don't know what it is, I just can't shake any of these feelings away from me. _I'm worthless, so worthless. And stupid. And a crybaby, like Katsudon. Always like that piggy._

Why am I so lame?


End file.
